


My Love, My Drug

by hope_s



Series: Beautiful Trauma [4]
Category: Ocean's 8 (2018)
Genre: (but it'll all end up OK in the end I promise), (do not recommend), (that might be a stretch), Abuse of Prescription Drugs, Alcohol Abuse, Angst, Drug Use, F/F, Fluffy smut in flashback form, Hopeful Ending, POV Lou, Pining, Pre-Canon, Smut and Angst, Songfic, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, sex as a coping mechanism, solo job
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-09
Updated: 2019-08-09
Packaged: 2020-08-13 15:34:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20176636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hope_s/pseuds/hope_s
Summary: With Debbie in prison, Lou is hustling enough money to get by. Her heart isn't really in it at all, and a part of her hopes she'll be caught. It would be easier to wait out the rest of Debbie’s sentence if she were behind bars herself. Still, not getting caught means being able to keep drinking, and that's definitely a motivator.She's spiraling again, and she knows it. She can almost see a whirlpool opening at her feet, pulling her under...





	My Love, My Drug

**Author's Note:**

> P!nk: Beautiful Trauma  
(2017)  
Track 1 - Beautiful Trauma
> 
> ...
> 
> 'Cause we've been on the run so long they can't find us  
Who's gonna have to die to remind us  
That it feels like we chose this blindly  
Now I'm gonna fuck up a hotel lobby 'cause
> 
> These tough times they keep coming  
Last night I might have messed it up again  
Some days like I'm barely breathing  
Then after we were high and the love dope died, it was you
> 
> The pill I keep taking  
The nightmare I'm waking  
There's nothing, no nothing, nothing but you  
My perfect rock bottom  
My beautiful trauma  
My love (my love), my love, my drug, oh
> 
> My love, my love, my love, my drug, oh (x3)   
My love, my love, my drug, we're fucked up
> 
> ...
> 
> (Spring 2013)

The chandelier in the hotel’s lobby looked like a galaxy of clustered stars. Lou was captivated by its brilliance, and she almost missed the movement by the elevators that was her cue to shift positions. The woman she was tailing was easy to pick out of a crowd: tall – even taller given her heels, long auburn hair pulled into an elegant knot at the back of her head, and a skirt suit that emphasized her imposing stature and curvy profile. She oozed wealth and sophistication, but Lou knew that was an understatement. A casual observer might assume they had spotted someone who could drop a million dollars on a whim, and they would be right, except that this woman could actually drop a billion dollars and barely take a hit. She was a whole other level of rich, and that was what had caused Lou to choose her as a mark in the first place. She was quite sure the women wouldn’t notice if a few hundred-thousand went missing right from under her nose. It was almost too easy.

Lou watched the woman move away from the elevators as she moved towards them. The suit Lou wore – stolen from the men’s section at Bloomingdales – was as elegant as the woman’s, but Lou knew her swagger lacked its usual grace. Her heart wasn’t really in this at all, and a part of her hoped she would be caught. It would be easier to wait out the rest of Debbie’s sentence if she were behind bars herself. Still, _not _getting caught meant being able to keep drinking, and that was definitely a motivator. She wasn’t sure she would survive five more years without alcohol to dull the ache in her chest (she wasn’t sure she would survive five years _with _the alcohol either, but that was beside the point). Lou rolled her shoulders back and felt the white silk suit ripple down her arms and legs. _Don’t think of Debbie_, she told herself. _Just…don’t. _She continued towards the elevators and didn’t return the glance that she felt the woman throw in her direction. 

The elevator was empty, and Lou used the solitude as an opportunity to adjust her outfit in the mirror on the back wall. White wasn’t normally her color, but it worked today. She had complimented the blazer and slacks with a jet-black vest that peaked through when she rested her hands on her hips. As usual, she had foregone the shirt, preferring to layer a few necklaces over her bare skin. She adjusted the waistband of her pants just enough to allow the strap-on she wore to sit more comfortably against her hip. It had become an essential part of her wardrobe lately, something to ensure that, if she ended up in bed with someone, she could fuck them without looking at their face or undressing herself. Today, she needed to be eye catching and intriguing, needed to hide in plain sight. Tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, she nodded once at her reflection and turned back to the elevator door as it chimed and opened onto the fifteenth floor.

She knew the room number, and she thumbed the duplicate key card in her pocket as she strode down the carpeted hallways – left, left, right, eighth door on the left…She had almost reached it when a woman – _the _woman – stepped out in front of her from a nook containing an ice machine and an ATM. Lou halted, momentarily surprised. This was a glitch she hadn’t planned for, but she had worked with Debbie Ocean long enough to know how to improvise. She raised her eyebrows at the woman, a look of false surprise on her face.

“Oh, excuse me,” Lou stammered, “I…wasn’t watching where I was going.” She made to side step around the woman, but was met with an arm against her chest. Her heart rate increased. Was she about to be caught? Had the woman already called the police? She searched the woman’s face, looking for a hint of triumph in the green eyes that were looking her up and down, sizing her up. She took comfort in the fact that the eyes showed only curiosity.

“You’ve been watching me,” the woman said bluntly. Her accent dripped of old British money, just as Lou had expected it would, though she had never heard her speak.

Lou let the edge of her mouth twitch, playing at a look of innocent embarrassment. She met the woman’s gaze and blinked slowly, allowing a tinge of pink to rise in her cheeks. “You’re…noticeable,” Lou said, keeping her voice high and light.

“As are you,” the woman said pointedly, letting her gaze linger on the edge of Lou’s vest. Lou shivered at the look. This wasn’t quite how the evening was supposed to go. “You’re not from here,” the woman continued. 

Lou had to grin at that. She stuck her tongue in her cheek and shook her head once. “Neither are you.”

The woman blushed the tiniest amount; if Lou hadn’t been mere inches from her face, she would’ve missed it. “Obviously,” the woman said with a smile. “So, what do you want?”

Lou’s mind raced. The woman’s flirting was handing her a way into her hotel room on a silver platter, but she was still suspicious. While she thought, Lou let her eyes dart over the woman before her, taking in the low-cut white blouse she wore under her dark blazer and the way she leaned against the wall to emphasize the slit in her skirt. Oh, this was _definitely _not the way the evening was supposed to go. “Like I said,” Lou said coolly and evenly, letting the woman see her eyes travel up her legs and over her hips, “you’re noticeable. Didn’t I see you leaving a few minutes ago? I was just coming back from—”

“I took the stairs.” The woman cut Lou off, which saved her the trouble of having to come up with a fake location.

Lou glanced at the woman’s stilettos with raised eyebrows. “I’m impressed.”

The woman snickered good naturedly. “You should be. Had to get a closer look at you.” She reached out a finger and traced Lou’s jaw, which prickled beneath her touch. Lou shivered once more. This woman was proving to be almost as tantalizing as her multi-billion-dollar net-worth. Almost. But maybe Lou could get her hands on a bit of both – that _would _be poetic, and not _entirely _dishonest. She did respect this woman, had chosen her as a mark _because _of her elegance and not in spite of it. She hadn’t expected to sleep with her, hadn’t really expected to _want _to in the first place. She looked a bit too much like Debbie, and Lou tried to avoid women who looked like Debbie, but still…Lou realized she had been silent a beat too long as she made up her mind.

“Can’t say I’d say no to a closer look at you either,” Lou said, wincing internally at the weakness of the line, “but don’t you have somewhere you need to be?”

The woman smirked. “When you’re _me_…well, let’s just say I’m the only person who gets to decide where I _need_ to be, and sometimes…” She shrugged and stepped closer to Lou, right into her personal space, bringing her lips close to her ear. “…sometimes I change my mind.” She stepped back, and Lou’s eyes found hers. “Interested?” the woman asked, tilting her head down the hallway.

Lou was careful not to let her eyes stray to the exact door of the woman’s room. She was still determined to finish this job. She badly needed the money, and this _was _an easy way to get into the woman’s room. “I’m interested,” Lou said, allowing her voice to deepen to its usual timbre. The woman smiled, took her hand, and led her towards the door. Lou was careful to pull her duplicated key card from her pocket and drop it into a trash can, erasing the evidence of her intended crime. She wouldn’t need it anymore now that the woman was pulling out her own and ushering them both inside the spacious suite.

**

Lou had thought the woman’s green eyes would be enough for her not to picture Debbie. They weren’t. Lou had also thought that taking the woman to bed would be an easy short-cut for her plan. It wasn’t.

Lou realized she was wrong about the second point the moment she saw the cameras. Her back was pressed against the wall just inside the woman’s room, and the woman herself was making short work of unbuttoning Lou’s vest. Lou saw the cameras, the wires, the screens over the woman’s shoulder when she bent to suck Lou’s nipple and realized what a fool she had been. She remembered the note she had made: _Ms. Carter never takes a hotel room with security cameras. _Lou had hung _everything _on that fact, but she had never expected that the woman would bring her own security set-up _with _her everywhere she went. Lou kicked herself internally. _So much for that_, she thought as her hands glided under the woman’s blouse.

_Debbie wouldn’t have missed that. Debbie would’ve checked_. Lou buried her face in the woman’s neck, turning her groan of frustration into something that passed for arousal. _Debbie would be disappointed in a mistake like that. She would lecture you, and you could never resist her when she’s clever, so _that _would turn into…_Lou gave up on trying not to picture Debbie, breaking her number one rule into pieces. She knew it would make the dreams worse, knew she would regret it later, but the sight of the cameras and image of Debbie in her mind were more than enough to sway Lou’s motivations. At least she had the strap, she thought weakly, as the woman’s hand cupped the bulge near her groin and squeezed.

“You came prepared,” the woman murmured, rolling her hips against Lou’s and fiddling with the fastening of her slacks.

“Always,” Lou muttered, and the woman laughed.

“Was this your plan, then?” the woman asked between pants as one of Lou’s hands worked under her skirt and the other ran down her back to tug at the garment’s zipper.

“Not exactly,” Lou said truthfully, though she hoped the woman didn’t ask her to elaborate. “You want to move to the bed, or do you want to do this here?” she asked in order to prevent any further prying.

The woman pulled Lou into a kiss and hummed against her mouth. “I’d prefer the bed,” she murmured when they broke apart, and Lou followed her towards the bed, adjusting the harness beneath her pants as she did so. In a final vain attempt to put Debbie from her mind, Lou tried once more to focus on the woman’s eyes, noticing how different they were from Debbie’s, noticing how her cheeks had a spray of freckles over them that Debbie’s certainly didn’t have. But then the woman closed her eyes when Lou thrust into her, and the freckles alone weren’t quite enough to keep Debbie out of Lou’s head. Lou gritted her teeth and let the images flow through her mind – fast and ragged as her breath. She didn’t chase release, knew that would only bring an overwhelming storm of emotions that she didn’t want to weather. She let the woman guide their pace, listened to her requests, and obeyed. She felt used, not by the woman – it wasn’t her fault, but by her own weak self. Her mind had – once again – conned her into thinking about Debbie. 

_Why can’t you move on? _the teasing voice in Lou’s head mocked. _Pathetic._

She didn’t have an answer to that question apart from the obvious: _I love her. I _love _Debbie. Always. _

_Then why can’t you _wait_ for her? _the voice growled.

_Because what if…what if…_Lou didn’t have the answers, didn’t know why she kept finding herself in these sorts of situations – failing simple jobs, fucking strangers or marks, drinking to dull the bone-deep longing. 

The woman finished with a soft cry and laughed at the sound the strap made pulling out of her. Lou grinned in response and made a show of throwing her head back when the woman kneeled to lick and suck her own arousal from the silicone before tucking it back into Lou’s trousers. She pulled Lou into one long, languid kiss that Lou found far too familiar for her liking.

“I’m glad I changed my mind,” the woman said when they broke apart. Lou smirked and moved away to straighten her clothing in the mirror by the bathroom. “You’re welcome to stay,” the woman said, patting the bed, “but if you have to go, do you mind turning the light off on your way out?”

Lou looked over her shoulder at her. “Not at all,” she said, with an attempt at a warm smile. She strode to the door. “I’ll see you around,” she said, looking over her shoulder at the woman whose eyes were already closed.

Lou surveyed the room once more, and her eyes lingered on a bottle of Xanax on a shelf under the light switch. She hesitated for a fraction of an instant, but the lure of a few hours of blurry forgetfulness and the money she could make selling the remaining pills got the better of her. Billionaires like Evelyn Carter could replace their drugs in a heartbeat, after all. Lou turned off the light and pocketed the pill bottle in one smooth motion before closing the door behind her with a sharp thud.

**

“Fuck this shit,” Lou muttered, as she tore up the lists and notes that lay scattered around the Brooklyn apartment. She rubbed her nose with the back of her hand and stood still in the middle of the mess, still half-dressed in the white silk slacks and the black vest. She fiddled with the pill bottle in her pocket and pivoted on her heel, eyes darting anxiously around the apartment. She wanted to be stopped. She wanted someone – _anyone_, really – to walk through the door and still her twitching fingers and racing heart. She wanted _Debbie _to appear out of nowhere and tell her it was all going to be all right in the end, that they would figure things out _together_ like they always had. Lou closed her eyes and cradled the side of her face in one hand, the pads of her fingers digging in with almost an almost-bruising force. She could almost imagine that it was Debbie’s hand passing over her jaw, dragging itself to her mouth to tug and twist at her lower lip. But then…Debbie’s movements would be gentle and steady; Lou’s were not.

It was _stupid_, really – stupid to be this sad about something she couldn’t fix, something that was – by its nature – temporary. Every second ticked nearer to Debbie’s release, after all. Six years was nothing in the grand scheme of things, and afterwards, they would be together again. Lou had _promised _Debbie that they would…because she wanted to hold herself to something, because Debbie had _asked _her to. _It won’t be the last time_, she had said.

_If you hadn’t left_…a voice in her head began. Lou groaned, knowing where this thought was headed_…you could’ve stopped her from getting caught. _Lou opened her eyes and blinked away the tears clouding her vision. A part of her knew that the words were a lie, but that part of her was weakening – dying, perhaps. It was the part of her that had dragged her all the way to the prison six months ago, the part of her that had dismounted from her bike and walked towards the entrance only to be stopped in her tracks by something grotesque that told her to stop, to turn around. Since then, that shred of hope had frayed under the weight of all the things that could go wrong, that could _be _wrong. Debbie might not want to start things up again. Debbie might have found something new (some_one_ new). Debbie might not make it out of prison (what with the Ocean family’s numerous enemies), and if she did, she might be different. Debbie might blame Lou for leaving her without a partner to have her back. Lou certainly blamed herself for that, so why wouldn’t Debbie feel the same? The fact that she had been Debbie’s final phone call before her sentencing had seemed significant a year ago, but now it seemed irrelevant, a mere call of convenience, perhaps. 

She was spiraling again, and she knew it, could almost see a whirlpool opening at her feet, pulling her under. With the last of her strength, Lou picked up a half-drunk bottle of vodka from the floor and shook a double dose of the Xanax into her palm. She took the pills and felt the alcohol burn its way to her stomach as she sank to the floor under the living room window. She pulled her cigarettes and lighter out of her pocket and brushed the hard line of the strap-on through her pants as she did so. With a strangled cry of frustration and loss, Lou tore both the silk trousers and the harness from her hips and tossed everything towards the doorway to the bedroom. She pulled her bare knees to her chest and lit a cigarette with shaking fingers, noticing that the trembling had spread to her shoulders and her mouth as she cried. The pills and the alcohol dulled her reactions, and she burnt her fingers on the last remnant of her cigarette before she tossed the butt out of the window and leaned her head back against the edge of the windowsill. The room seemed to spin around her, and at last, Lou collapsed sideways and slept.

**

_“Yes,” Lou said, looking deep into Debbie’s eyes and seeing a hint of a brand-new future reflected back to her. She had known Debbie for barely a week, but seven days was enough to show Lou that – if she said no – she would forever regret not taking Debbie up on her offer of a continued partnership. And so, she said yes, couldn’t imagine saying anything else. Lou could tell that this first job was just the beginning, that Debbie would help her steal the _stars_ if she let her – if that’s what Lou said she wanted. _

_Debbie caressed Lou’s jaw in both hands for a long, lingering moment before she kissed her again. It felt like they had been doing this forever. Lou tried to think back to twenty minutes ago, before she and Debbie had kissed for the first time, back when she was still telling herself it wouldn’t be wise to make a move, to spoil what they had. She couldn’t remember what that had felt like, couldn’t remember the person she was before she kissed Debbie Ocean. _

_“Stop _thinking_,” Debbie chastised, running her tongue along Lou’s jaw to her ear and sucking hard just below it. Lou moaned and clutched Debbie’s shoulders as Debbie released the patch of skin and soothed it with gentle strokes of her tongue. Lou felt her entire body twitch at the sensation. _

_“I’m only _thinking_ about _you_,” Lou said cheekily through a gasp. _

_Debbie hummed. “And what does that look like?” she asked in a sing-song voice, pulling back enough to look into Lou’s eyes and run her fingers through Lou’s hair. Her dark eyes displayed both curiosity and sincerity. _

_“It looks like you…” Lou leaned forward and kissed Debbie’s lips, briefly and firmly. “…on my bed…” She found the pulse point in Debbie’s neck and nibble lightly. “…naked…” She tugged playfully at the fabric of Debbie’s shirt. “…saying you want me—”_

_“Oh, I want you,” Debbie interrupted breathlessly, “I want you, baby.” She flicked her tongue around the shell of Lou’s ear. _

_Lou hummed a laugh into Debbie’s shoulder, and then held Debbie away from her just enough to stand up from the couch and tug on Debbie’s hands. “Come on, then,” Lou said. Debbie gave her a dazzling smile as she rose to her feet and followed Lou into her small bedroom. _

_It wasn’t _perfect_, Lou thought later, except that it _was_. It was a little fumbling, a little sloppy, a little bit like trying to speak with Novocain in your gums – languid, unruly, and tingling. It was everything Lou wanted – the taste of Debbie, the smell of her, the feel of her opening for her tongue and then her fingers. And Debbie wanted her, too – rocked herself around Lou and then into her, left marks unabashedly over Lou’s breasts and neck. They lay tangled together for a long time after, drifting in and out of sleep and laughter and the soft moans of straining against each other again and again. Just as with their kiss, when morning came, Lou found it difficult to remember what it was like to wake up to anything other than Debbie’s twinkling, almond eyes looking back at her…_

**

Lou woke in the middle of the night to a tug of nausea. She was vaguely impressed with herself for making it to the toilet in time to empty the contents of her stomach – not much, apart from the vodka – into it. _Five more years_, she thought, _five more years_. The bathroom tile was cold beneath her bare legs, and she was becoming rapidly more aware that she was naked but for her vest and necklaces as she began to shiver. Lou took a deep breath and tried to control her trembling. The least she could do was survive, but even that – it seemed – was proving difficult. _But you promised_, a voice that sounded a lot like Debbie’s whispered in her ear. _You promised. If you die, she’ll _kill _you. You promised _

“I…did,” Lou said aloud to the empty room. “I promised.” Her voice bounced off the tiles. _Another day_, Lou thought blandly, _one day at a time, until…until Debbie comes home. _With great difficulty, Lou pulled herself to her feet and wandered into the bedroom. She stripped herself of her vest and necklaces and picked up the strap-on and harness from near the doorway, setting it on the dresser so she would remember to wash it later. Lou tugged the closet door open and pushed her own things aside until she reached Debbie’s items at the back. Nothing really smelled like her anymore, but on nights like this, it didn’t matter. Her memories were plenty. Lou wrapped Debbie’s favorite floral silk robe around her shoulders and climbed into bed, pulling the covers over her head until it was dark and still. She held a fistful of the robe’s fabric against her face and breathed in the fading, probably-imagined scent of its owner. It was enough – for the next five minutes, for the next five days, five months, five years. _Just five more minutes, _Lou told herself. _You can make it five minutes. And then five more, and five more, and then…and eventually…five more minutes…_

_Five more…_

**Author's Note:**

> Here's the song (with *all* the lyrics):
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x6HxoF7C4Y8
> 
> ***
> 
> The flashback scene in this piece is a continuation of the first chapter of my fic "Sonata for Silence and Two Pairs of Stilettos," so if you're interested in the set-up of that scene, definitely read that. Also, that fic describes more of Lou's spiraling and *why* it happens and all that stuff. But also it ends happily and everything is OK in the end! 
> 
> ***
> 
> Series Note:
> 
> There will be 13 fics in this series, so please please subscribe to/bookmark the series (rather than to the individual fics). I am posting the stories chronologically as they fall in Debbie and Lou's timeline, rather than in the track order from the album. New ones will be posted every Friday. There will be pre-canon, movie timeline, and post-canon stuff, and it all fits in with my Loubbie headcanon from my other [non-AU] pieces. I can ONE HUNDRED PERCENT PROMISE that the series will end happily. 
> 
> ***
> 
> As always, many thanks to my beta, go_get_your_top_hat (Love you). 
> 
> If you have a chance, please comment! I love hearing what you think.  
<3 :)


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